LOVE CHILD...NEVER MEANT TO BE

As most of you have heard, and probably aren't surprised, Micheal Lohan, father of the mature, poster child of stability Lindsey Lohan, is the "supposed" father of this little girlie due to the "relationship" between he and her mother during a "separation period" between he and his now ex-wife Dina. (a/k/a...Lindsey's mama....damn, I am so digging these """"" today) So that is what they call tawdry, steamy affairs these days..."separation periods"....uh-hummm.

It is being said that Michael Lohan has agreed to a paternity test, but I guess my question is if she is 13, why has it taken so long for this to come to light? And I don't understand why everyone is saying how she (Ashley) is practically the twin to Lindsey and her other sister. I don't even think she remotely looks like them. Of course LL is a mini version of her mother and as "hard" as she has been looking lately, LL and Dina could be sisters themselves AND I think LL's younger (full) sister looks like their mother also. I guess I could (maybe) see Ashley having a slight resemblance to her "so called" dad, but not the other Lohan disasters children.

Well....the best advice I could give this kid and her mother since everyone is doing the E.F. Hutton and hanging on every word I type, I'm sure, is STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THE LOHANS if you expect to have any type of normal life....at all....EVER! Carry on...the Queen has spoken.

MINI ME MAKES MINI SEX TAPE

It is being shopped around L.A. at the moment a "sex tape" starring Vern Troyer, a/k/a Mini Me. This is what was reported in The L.A. Times:

"Seems that Paris Hilton's sex video broker, Kevin Blatt, is now hawking a Verne Troyer (yes, that would be Mini-Me, from "Austin Powers" ) sex tape of the actor with his girlfriend. Apparently, someone snatched it from their apartment and the tape may fetch as much as $1 mill.
Browse on over to TMZ.com to see a snippet. But be forewarned: There's no going back.
Your brain will never be the same after seeing this."

Holy crap on a Ritz Cracker....that is something I DO NOT WANT to see, no matter how humorous. I'm still scarred from him peeing on camera during "The Surreal Life". I've actually got a couple of questions/comments:

1. He has a "real size" girlfriend and she's serious?

2. If you are (or aren't) a celebrity...for the LOVE, please stop making sex tapes. They always somehow seem to be leaked.

3. Is this "Kevin Blatt" a sex tape broker or something? Is he the "go to guy" for sex tapes?

This brings a whole new meaning to Vienna Sausages.

SPIDER DRUG TESTING

Important information for all of you to watch and take notes.

SMITE NBC, GOD, SMITE THEM NOW, SMITE THEM

Dear fancy, sweet Moses....NBC has the Nashville Star contestants singing Madonna's "Like A Prayer". Are they freaking serious?? I guess I'm going to completely torture myself and sit through this debacle as I type out this post.

1. "Livin' La Vida Loco"--Gabe (what... the Hispanic dude can only sing other Hispanics music)

I've never heard a version like this...it's like Garth Brooks has emerged from some type of weird alien pod from the body snatchers movie and taken over Ricky Martin's body...good grief.

2. "Love Shack"--Pearl Heart

Don't get me wrong...I love the B-52's, but not when they sound like twangy, hillbilly version of the Andrews Sisters. And the back up dancers in cut-offs and tied western shirts and straw hats (how cliche) dancing some weird hillybilly dance does not help. Southerners wonder why people think we are hicks when we have these sorts of shenanigans going on. On NATIONAL TELEVISION.

3. "I Think We're Alone Now"--Alyson

I can't really say anything...I always hated Tiffany and her music....NEXT!

I also want to comment during commercial time that I think it is absolutely slap your grandma hilarious that the NBC is referring to this particular episode as "POP GOES COUNTRY" night. Ummm...isn't that what they have doing this whole time? Especially since the last two weeks they have sang songs from artist such as:

Bon Jovi
Bob Seeger
Janice Joplin
John Mayer
Train
Marc Cohn

I personally like these artists, BUT I don't consider them "country artists".

4. "You Drive Me Crazy"--Ashlee

Okay...I thought this was going to be a total disaster, but I will have to admit that she surprised me and did a really good job! I think this is the first week I have actually LIKED what she sang.

5. "Umbrella"--Coffey (what....is NBC full of racists....see #1--Gabe)

Ugh...I feel bad for this guy. I like him and I think he has a good voice. It's unfortunate that people feel that all African Americans should rap no matter what type of music they are singing. So if this were an opera would they expect him to "rap that" too?

6. "Pretty Young Thing (PYT)"--Laura and Sophie

I think NBC is expecting too much from these girls anyway. They look like they could be serving you a creamy Frosty from your local Wendy's drive-thru window.

7. "Bye, Bye, Bye"--Shawn

My baby ROCKED! And I'm not just saying this because she is my favorite either! She and Ashlee are the best so far tonight. You looked great, baby girl!

8. "True Colors"--Melissa

THANK GOD this girl was not in the lower two again. I was going to be seriously pissed off!! She's one of the few people on this program who can SING and who doesn't look like an absolute CHILD. She did a really good job!

FOUL--when Melissa was finished singing, they put up the wrong phone number for her!! She is #8 and they put up #9 to vote for her. NBC SUCKS...they can't stand that maybe someone who doesn't look like a string bean might actually have some talent and be a good person! SKINNY does not equal GOOD, NBC. Hate to tell you.

9. "Girls Just Want To Have Fun"--Justin (DAMN IT)

I guess its not who you know, but who you blow. This kid has the personality of a rock. Snooze city!

10. "Maniac"--Tommy

Okay, I jumped the gun....I thought since Justin sang that meant Tommy was automatically off the show. Whew...maybe he can hold out another week. Not too thrilled with the song, but hey it's gotta be better than "I'm about as exciting to watch as paint drying" boy.

THANK YOU TO THE HEAVENS ABOVE...Justin is outta here! I guess your little farce didn't work NBC. HAHAHAHAHA!! It's late...I'm going to bed!

JOHNNY....IS THAT YOU??

Wow....all he needs is a guitar, a black suit and a love affair with prescription drugs. (no offense....I LOVE the man in black, but we all must agree he had "issues") What happened to the "fun loving, Police Academy" Steve? I guess Hollywood does this to everyone!

PUFF DADDY WAXES HIS BALLS

Now I know this is something all of you were DYING to know, but according to a London based magazine...P. Diddy or Puff Daddy or Did or Puffy Diddy or whatever the hell he is calling himself these days waxes his "privates". Now I am ALL ABOUT personal grooming/hygiene and the sort, but from what I've been told from guys throughout my life time, this area is EXTREMELY sensitive to any sort of trauma. I remember a friend of mine doubling over when he and his girlfriend were "wrestling" around and she lightly "slapped" his man bags, if you will. Now it wasn't an all out "bitch slap" or anything, it was more of a light tap. Anyway, this is what Piddy (I thought I would combine the two) had to say:

P Diddy admits to waxing his privates and urges all men to keep in shape for their female lovers. The rapper, who has his own clothing line, said he went through a strict grooming regime. 'While I'm getting ready I like to relax with a drink – vodka and lemonade – and listen to some James Brown,' he explains.
'Then I'll have a manicure and pedicure – and yes, I wax as well. Men owe it to women to make sure they are well-groomed.' The star, 38, added: 'I wax my privates. I also wear my fragrance, Unforgivable Black.'

The reason I am bringing all of this up is I've had experience with "private grooming" and let me be the first to say, it's no picnic in the park. You learn very quickly what areas of your body are more sensitive than others. I chuckled at the part where he says "While I'm getting ready I like to relax with a drink – vodka and lemonade – and listen to some James Brown," really....so how many pints of vodka do you have there Piddy?? Three? Why not just skip the lemonade part altogether? I don't care what anyone says...there is nothing in the world that can relax you for this, especially if you are a guy. If the word "Brazilian" means anything to anyone and you have done this...you feel my pain.

I am also perplexed by the last statement of "I also wear my fragrance, Unforgivable Black." What the hell does that mean? During the time of waxing, after the waxing or you wear it on your balls?? I'm sure after one of these "routine waxings" your balls are SCREAMING you are an "Unforgivable Black Dude". It would seem as if that would be even more trauma since most "fragrances" contain alcohol and the LAST THING you want remotely near your private region after having the hair ripped out by the root is ANYTHING containing alcohol. The only thing I would want if I were him would be a bottle of ibuprofen, several shots of whiskey and a BIG ASS ice pack.

FAKE

As most of you know....I have openly voiced my disappointment in Nashville Star this season. I have been upset with the music being sung and the age of most of the contestants. On past seasons that were broadcast on USA Network, there were a variety of ages of the contestants, but most were late 20's on up. Now I feel like I am watching....well, I'm not sure, but what I think NBC's idea of what country music is or should be. They are basically "cookie cutting" American Idol and converting what is supposed to be a country music competition into a BIG, FAT COW PATTY with some wanna be teen idols who can't sing thrown into the mix. Don't get me wrong...there are a couple of them who can sing, but on the whole....BIG GOOSE EGG for the rest. I guess a better way to put this is the old saying: Nashville Star after several successful seasons is not just getting the "shit end of the stick", they are getting the whole stick that is completely covered in and dripping with shit. Now to add insult to injury, there is a rumor going 'round that Shaun Cassedy, here, is either a NBC exec's relative or answered an "add" to a talent agency placed at the 11th hour for a "high school musical" type that wants to go county:




Okay...I'm not presently attending the Church of the Tween at the moment and I don't understand what they consider a "God" these days, but I can say I am less than impressed with this guy. His name is Justin Gastin and there are TONS of unhappy Nashville Star fans at the moment because of his mere existence on the show. One of the people who can actually sing (Melissa Lawson) was almost voted off last week when this guy cleared the voting segment of the show virtually unscathed. I honestly think Melissa was almost voted off because she is a "big girl" which has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with her voice. For the love of sweet, fancy Moses, she has something ridiculous like four or five kids!! Give the girl a break! It has also come to people's attention that "Justin" is also a "model". See:

I find it odd that he is suddenly a country singer also. What's up with the soap suds, gasoline containers and the Speedos? What kind of magazine is he posing for? "Come Out of the Closet-2008; the Fresh Meat Addition"? Again, not impressed. And SHAME ON YOU NBC if you think you can come in and transplant people who couldn't carry a tune in a bucket even if the proverbial bucket had re-enforced steel, galvanized handles. There is now an "add" circulating that advertised for the qualities of Prince Charming:

URGENT CASTING NOTICE NBC, 495 Productions, and Doron Ofir Casting are searching for a male country singer between the ages of 16 and 23 years old with teen heart throb good looks. Think a country music Zac Ephron or young Brad Pitt.This is for immediate inclusion in "Nashville Star" on NBC. Talent will be flown to Nashville this week and be included in the cast. Must be unsigned, but management will maintain full management rights.Please respond to this email with any potential talent or call my cell below to pitch. This has an extremely short turn around time. Will cast by no later than Wednesday, April 16th.

Sincerely,Ryan HaydenDoron Ofir Casting

Coincidence....I think not. Whoever the Einstein was that handed Nashville Star over to NBC like a sacrificial lamb....lightening should strike you TODAY. You are single-handedly dismantling this show piece by piece. You had better hope the angry mobs forming as I type this who are veteran fans of this show NEVER find out who you are. Way to go!

P.S. you had better hope my girlfriend does not get voted off and "Mr. Mop Head, I need the world's largest barrette to pin my stupid, 1970's bangs out of my eyes" stays.